When I first met with Grace Appleby to discuss speaking at the Norwich Women’s Marketing Network meet-up, I had just the seed of an idea for a presentation. I wanted to talk about trusting your gut.
Why? Because in recent years, it has become apparent that I should trust mine more. My husband often says I often predict how a person is going to behave, or how a situation will pan out before he does. And I have to agree. My instincts are often right, even if I rarely act on them.
So I wanted to share some of my experiences that you’ll be able to relate to, a little science and some tips to help you listen to yours.
Scenario 1
To kick off, I wanted to start with an example that most people could relate to. I had a particular situation where I knew I should have listened to my instincts but didn’t. And then regretted it every single moment.
Now we all know that most job interviews are uncomfortable and awkward, but I once had an interview that was particularly horrendous. One of the interviewers took a dislike to me the second I walked through the door. There was bad body language, uncomfortable eye contact, and aggressive questioning. I distinctly remember thinking: ‘Wow, this guy hates me. I could never work with him.’
So, with a slightly devil-may-care attitude, I gave as good as I got. I showed my portfolio and explained my experiences and actively tried to show up his ignorance. And when it was over, I got in my car and thought I’d hear nothing more.
Then, later that day, I got a phone call offering me the job. Weird, right? So I said thanks, but no thanks. And when they asked me why, I was honest. I said I didn’t think the interview went well and the interviewer didn’t like me.
But, to cut a long story short, I ended up taking the job. And hating every. Last. Second. The interviewer turned out to be my boss. And it was a painful experience from start to finish.
Scenario 2
When I first went self-employed and set up as a freelancer, everyone told me to take on any work that came my way. So I did. Even though my instincts told me not to.
And I had one lead that I knew was trouble from the outset.
They knocked down my rates. They insisted they didn’t want any strategy or planning work. They just wanted me to start posting to social media without any audience insights. They went quiet for long periods of time. And when they signed the contract, they were even worse.
They failed to provide the collateral and materials I needed to create the content requested. They didn’t sign off. They made some strange changes to the content.
The project rumbled on for longer than the initial contract, with late nights, weekends, and mornings as I tried to fit them around other clients. And when I sent them my invoice, they ghosted me. In fact, they wouldn’t pay me until I threatened legal action.
And I knew, right from the beginning.
Scenario 3
It’s not just work where you experience gut instincts. I once met a woman I thought was a bully. She would talk about people behind their backs, gaslight them and generally be mean.
But when she befriended me, I thought I was wrong. That I must have misread things. And trusted her.
And then found out she was talking about me and generally stirring things up.
Scenario 4
Before I sound super negative, I should also add that my gut sometimes tells me about good things too.
I remember when a new person joined a team I was working on and we all went out for welcome drinks. I remember that night really vividly. Who was there. Where we went. Everything. But I had no idea why.
We worked together for two years – and I made some appalling relationship decisions along the way! – and we became best friends. And that’s when I realised what my gut was telling me that night; we were good together. And we’ve been together ever since!
The science
The truth is, we evolved to see the signs, however subtle, that something’s going on. Our unconscious* is sending signals to our guts about whether we should fight, fly or freeze. That our survival may depend on it. And our own experience sits on top of that, reflecting back on past experiences so we can make a decision about what to do.
It might be a momentary sideways glance of someone you’re speaking to, the fidgeting of someone in a meeting, or the bluffing of a so-called expert getting their subject matter wrong. Our unconscious spots these things.
But our guts also find it hard to communicate those signals back to the conscious brain. It may feel like a clenching. Or a churning. Or a general sense of uneasiness. But it is trying to let you know that something is happening.
Many of the articles I read suggested that gut feelings are a result of emotional intelligence. And actually, that’s where we women have an advantage. How often have you heard that women are more empathetic than men? Well, it can be a strength. You can hone your emotions – and your understanding of other people’s – to be your superpower. To read situations and act accordingly.
I also have to say that, as an introvert, I have honed my experience in this area. I don’t speak up in meetings unless I have something useful to contribute. Instead, I listen, take notes and consider the points discussed. But I’m also unconsciously paying attention to what’s happening in the room. I notice the crossed arms and the fidgeting of my companions. So when someone agrees to something but their body language says otherwise, I can pick up on that and gently question whether they have reservations.
What should you do if you think your gut is trying to tell you something?
Much of the research I looked at suggests not overthinking it. However, I am all in favour of mulling it over and teasing out the reasons you feel that way. Because you learn to train yourself. You get to see the patterns in your reactions and can answer ‘why do I feel this way?’ faster.
Look at the situation and try to identify if anything seems out of the ordinary. Try to pinpoint the cause.
Don’t obsessively think about it, but just start noting things that you notice and it will get easier in time.
What should you do if you’re not sure what to do?
I tend consider all the possible outcomes and whether I could handle the worst possible situation. If a potential conclusion is too horrible, then I’ll make my excuses.
In the case of the job, I knew I could make a plan and quit. With the difficult client, I asked them for part of their fee upfront and got everything in writing. And with the friend, I gradually removed myself from the situation.
If you, like me, ignore your gut and end up in situations that are less than favourable, don’t beat yourself up. I know I did in the examples above but it served no purpose – and I certainly don’t regret those choices now.
If hadn’t made those choices, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to grow. Because of those situations, I know how I don’t want to run my company, how I don’t want to treat my employees – or conduct job interviews! I know how I want to show up as a friend, and how I want my friends to be there for me. And mostly, I know how I want my relationship to be and work on that every day.
Embrace your experiences, learn from them and when you can, trust your gut!
*For those who were at my talk, I referred to this as our ‘lizard brain’, which refers to our limbic systems. You can read more about it here.
